Vacations rock!

I made it to Texas!  Having a great time with the puppy.  I’d forgotten how much I liked just hanging out with him.  Don’t get me wrong, the sex is downright earth-shattering, but he really is just fun to be around.  Sometimes makes me wish things had gone differently, but eh, things are what they are, and as long as he’s still part of my life, I’m content.

We’re going to try and hook up with the rest of the LT mafia later this week.  I hope we’re able to pull it off, ’cause I’d really like to see the rest of the gang.  It’s a bummer that AJ and Justin aren’t here, but oh well.  I’ll at least get to see JJ again, and that’ll be cool.

later!

I finally feeling better, woo-hoo!  Last week was just a bad week.   Still feeling like I have a problem with alcohol, ’cause even though I’m not feeling depressed, I’m still craving it.  And that’s just bad.  But, eh, it’s not causing any problems, so…

I’m nervous as hell.  I go to Texas tomorrow, and I’m just nervous.  Which is silly, ’cause it’s not like I haven’t been talking to him every week for the last five months, and we’re just friends, but nonetheless, I am.  I think it’s the fact that I actually give a damn about what he thinks of me, which is somewhat unusual for me.  I usually try not to think about what other people think of me, because it can lead to nowhere good.  As long as I’m satisfied with myself, that should be enough, and I try to maintain that view.  But every now and then people come into my life that I actually want to think well of me – one would be my brother (’cause he is in fact my hero), and apparently, another is my friend in Texas.

I’m silly.

later

Randomness

I’m doing better today.  Still fighting random tears and bouts of
depression, but by far better than I was feeling last night.  Last
night… was something else.  It had been a boring day, and thus
stressful, for me.  But I’m trying not to dwell.  In 2 days, I’ll be on
a plane to Texas to see a friend from Iraq, and it’s doing wonderful
things for me.  Honestly, I’m a little bit nervous about seeing him. 
Ya know, the entire automatic +3 points women receive as soon as they
enter a combat zone.  
I worry he’ll find me less attractive, which is strangely important to
me, all things considered.  I’m not used to giving a damn if people
find me attractive – professional, yes; attractive, not so much.  New
Year’s has given me a little confidence booster.  Hooked up with a guy
- a friend of a friend of a friend type of thing.  I was completely
blasted, but he was completely sober, so I can’t be doing that bad. 

I’ve decided cranberry-raspberry juice and rum is a surprisingly good mix.  Seriously.  Who would’ve guessed?

Thinking about getting another tattoo.  I really want to get an armband to finish off my tattoo on my bicep. 

I know what I want, I just can’t seem to bring it into being.  I want a
tribal or celtic knot pattern with veins of ivy running through it. 
The hard part I’m having is that I want the fore pattern to echo the
curves of the biohazard in the background of my current tattoo, and for
the ivy leaves to echo the triquetra knot pattern.  I’ve tried to put
it to paper, but I’m having a lot of trouble visualizing it.  As much
as I don’t want to get a tattoo that’s not completely my own design, I
may have to go to my tattoo guy for some help.   So very arg. 

later

Bail faster

I am not doing so good.  This holiday season was rough on me.  Still is. 

A friend of mine from college, Matt, passed away a few days before Christmas from cancer.  He was all of 27 years old.  I went to his funeral on 21Dec, and met up with a lot of my friends from the fencing club.  They’d all flown or drove to Indy to say their goodbyes to Matt.  I think we were only missing one of the old gang, and that was only because last minute plane tickets from California right before Christmas were up into the thousands.  It .was great seeing everyone again, but we all felt like something was missing without Matt.  I don’t know about the rest of the guys, but I kept half-expecting for Matt to walk through the door and laugh at us for being so silly.  And reminding myself that he never would was one of the most depressing things I’ve gone through. 

Matt was my first friend to die.  All of my grandparents have passed away, but it all occurred before I was even a pre-teen.  It didn’t effect me like Matt’s death has. You’d think that being in the Army and all would at least give me some immunity to this sort of loss, but it hasn’t turned out that way.  I keep wondering who will be next…

Since then, my emotions have been all over the place.  I’ve been getting really depressed at seemingly completely random times.  And not all of it is connected to Matt’s death, though that has been the leaping point for some of my swings.  A lot of times I’m just feeling like I’m completely alone, even though I know I have friends who love me, but knowing doesn’t really seem to help.  I feel like I don’t have anyone who can hold me up – all my friends have their own problems and always look to me for strength.  Or I feel like I’m never going to accomplish anything with my life, to the point that it seems pointless to even try. 

I’ve started drinking a lot.  I can only remember one day in the past two weeks when I haven’t had at least a glass of something.  And the one day I didn’t, I was craving it so badly, the only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t have any alcohol in the house.  Worried about alcoholism, but no one seems to take me seriously when I mention it, so maybe I’m worrying too much? 

… I dunno…

later

I’m trying to remind my body that vomiting is not a good thing, no matter how good it sounds at the time.  I came down with the flu, and it sucks.   My fever hit 101.8 last night and kind of freaked me out.  I’ve been having problems with my gallbladder and I was worried that there were complications or something.  I’m feeling better today, still nauseous and achy, but my fever is gone.  I feel really bad about missing work, though.  I hate missing work for sickness.  Or anything really.  And today was a bad day for it, too.  We were going to be stretched thin by multiple meetings at the same time that all had to be covered down on, and now it’s going to be even harder for the team to cover things.  I feel bad.  But I really shouldn’t go in, ’cause I still feel like shit, and I’m pretty sure I’m still contagious.  It’s times like these when I wish I wasn’t such a workaholic.  *sigh*

later

Thanks, I feel great

I had “a talk” with my boyfriend – or rather, the guy I’m dating, ’cause I’m not actually sure he qualifies as a boyfriend… When I got home from Iraq, I was eager to start up a life again, ready to dive into a serious, hopefully long-term relationship.  I thought I could handle it, didn’t need any time to adjust to my new world, or my new self. 

I was wrong.

The thought of being in a serious relationship, with anyone, gives me a quasi-panic attack.  Not really, but I can feel myself start to get tense, and despair settles on my shoulders and in the pit of my stomach.  Now, this isn’t to be confused with a commitment phobia, because I’m already all over that one.  No, this is definitely me still readjusting to “normal” life.  Well, as normal as I ever get.  The thought of tying myself to a single person just fills me with depression and angst – what if I don’t really like this guy?  What if it’s all a big mistake?  What if I end up hurting him horribly?  Or if he ends up hurting me?  Apparently, I’m just too emotionally unstable right now to deal with those sorts of questions.

Lucky for me, my boyfriend is a great guy and totally took all this in stride.  I know he has stronger feelings for me than I currently do for him, and I was afraid that telling him that I wanted to maintain the status quo, and not get too serious, would crush him into wee tiny pieces.  But it didn’t.  We talked for a bit, and he did leave a little earlier than planned the next morning (he “needed to think”), but I don’t think our relationship has taken any beatings it can’t recover from.

And I feel so much better – about myself, about him, about our relationship – freaking everything.  I feel like a muscle I didn’t know was tense has finally relaxed after months of being knotted and cramped.  I worry that the boy isn’t telling me everything, but well, he’s all grown up, and I’m pretty sure he can take care of himself.  I’m just glad I finally talked to him, for better or worse.

later

There’s no going back now

Mother of god, it’s snowing!!!  Snow!  I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!  Laugh, because it feels like it’s been years since I’ve seen snow (Iraq doesn’t get much, who would’ve guessed?).  Cry, because it means winter is finally here, officially or not, and now I’m going to really freeze my ass off.  Argh! 

I’ve definitely been going through this a lot since I got back, a series of “firsts”, just like when I left I went through a series of “lasts”.  I may be even more emotional about it now than I was then.  I didn’t understand then what I was leaving behind.  I’m all too aware now of what I’ve got and how blessed I am to have it.

But snow!  Argh!!!

later

It don’t even matter if your veins are punctured

I’m in the middle of my Combat Life Saver course.  It’s not too bad, except that I’m working Veteran Day’s weekend when everyone else on post has a three day pass.  Wtf, over.  I’ve got Tuesday and Wednesday off, but it’s just not the same.  I’ve been having problems getting back into the swing of things ever since I got back from the OC/T Academy, and not a small part of that is because I can’t seem to work the same days as everyone else…   Maybe my schedule will work itself out here eventually…  But anyway, back to the class.  I managed to only get stuck once, yay.  I’ve got a puncture in the other arm ’cause I had blood drawn for testing a few days ago.  Two more days to go, then I get a few days off, thank goodness!!

Having trouble getting back into my workout routine.  I pretty much haven’t done diddly squat in the last two weeks.  Maybe I just needed some time off…

My house is a super-wreck.  I’m not sure how I’m surviving with it like this.  At least part of it is due to the fact that I put up my tree today.   Yes, I know it’s waaaaay early (and apparently, according to some, illegal)  but it’s fake and I wanted to, so   I don’t have many ornaments up, ’cause, well, I don’t have many, but I’m working on it!  Dad is shoving off on me when I go to his place for Thanksgiving, so that’ll help.  Haven’t found a topper I like yet.  Looking for a five-pointed star, but so far, all the ones I’ve found are tacky as all hell.  But I will prevail!  (’cause shopping for ornaments is fun!)

Finally broke down and bought my Dress Blue uniform.  Boo!  $445, ouchie!!!  Kind of thinking about buying the officer’s sabre… if I get it from Marlow White, it’s about $400, but it’s carbon steel and etched, and that’s kinda cool.  If I buy it, I most definitely won’t be getting one of those cheap ass show swords.  What’s the point of owning a weapon if you can’t actually use it if needed?

My goal this weekend is to get all of my final house decorations up – like the half a dozen pictures I haven’t hung on the wall yet, and the shelf I’ve been meaning to put up for the past three months… yeah…

later

Eh

I’m feeling blah today.  Had drill with the unit I deployed to Iraq with.  It was kind of a good/bad thing.  I saw some people that I had actually missed and was happy to see again, and then had to put up with a whole shit load of people I wished I never had to see again… *sigh*  It was kind of a day of disappointments, too.  We had a “Freedom Salute” ceremony, which I was actually kind of looking forward to.  Packages are given out to returning deployed Soldiers, including an American flag in a case with a plaque.  I really kind of wanted one.  But there were about a dozen of us who didn’t get one.  Don’t know why, they just didn’t have enough.  The supply sergeant said they’d get more and get them to us, but I somewhat doubt that.  It was a bummer.  And then my transfer orders out of the unit came, but there was a total screw up.  It put me into a Signal Officer slot, which I was totally not all about.  No way in hell am I transferring branches out of Intel!!!  I was pissed.  I talked to the J1 (Personnel Dept) about it, and he said it was a typo, or that they just pushed me there because I’m still on Title 10 orders and wanted to get me out of a slot for someone else.  Whatever.  As long as I don’t have to do a branch transfer and I have a MI slot, I don’t care.  I am seriously thinking about transferring to the Reserves.  There’s a lot of pluses in the column right now… Definitely an option at this point.

The other bummer was that I was supposed to meet some friends I deployed with for dinner.  They said they called, which I believe, but my phone didn’t register a missed call and I didn’t hear it ring.  I called them 45 minutes after he was supposed to call me to see what was up, and he said they’d already finished and were headed out to the movie.   They’re seeing Saw 4, which I’m not so keen on, so I passed.  ‘Nother disappointment for the day.

later

Bring a little Silver back into your life…

Lol, I’m back from the hell that was Camp Shelby, MS!  Seriously, even for an Army school, it sucked.  Also managed to bang up my knee a good bit, and I think I broke my nose.  If I get a headache every time I touch it, is that a bad sign? :-d  I learned some stuff, and got some good practical experience, so it wasn’t completely worthless, but the learning environment could have been better.  Our small group leader in the second week actually made things a bit better.  It’s amazing how a good sense of sarcasm can make an otherwise miserable exercise enjoyable.   Such is life in the Army…

In the short time I was gone, I’d forgotten how completely wonderful riding the motorcycle was.  Luckily, I took the time to remind myself of that today.  It was great!  Just cool enough to make the leather jacket a necessity, but warm enough to not shiver.  Perfect weather!

I’ve hooked up with a friend.  Not sure how it’s going to work out… I’m afraid I might trample him into the ground… He’s a bit more sensitive than the guys I usually date – like the wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve-type sensitive.  It kind of bothers me, and it bothers me because it bothers me because it’s so completely sexist.  Arg.  Well, I’m just going to see how it goes…  I’ve been talking to Deven on a pretty regular basis, and that makes me happy.   It was a serious heartache to leave him behind in Iraq.  Crushing might be the right word… I do hope our lives bring us back together some day, if not as a couple, then at least as friends.  Hopefully we’ll at least keep in touch…

later