November 18, 2007

• Thanks, I feel great

  I had “a talk” with my boyfriend – or rather, the guy I’m dating, ’cause I’m not actually sure he qualifies as a boyfriend… When I got home from Iraq, I was eager to start up a life again, ready to dive into a serious, hopefully long-term relationship.  I thought I could handle it, didn’t need any time to adjust to my new world, or my new self. 

  I was wrong.

  The thought of being in a serious relationship, with anyone, gives me a quasi-panic attack.  Not really, but I can feel myself start to get tense, and despair settles on my shoulders and in the pit of my stomach.  Now, this isn’t to be confused with a commitment phobia, because I’m already all over that one.  No, this is definitely me still readjusting to “normal” life.  Well, as normal as I ever get.  The thought of tying myself to a single person just fills me with depression and angst – what if I don’t really like this guy?  What if it’s all a big mistake?  What if I end up hurting him horribly?  Or if he ends up hurting me?  Apparently, I’m just too emotionally unstable right now to deal with those sorts of questions.

  Lucky for me, my boyfriend is a great guy and totally took all this in stride.  I know he has stronger feelings for me than I currently do for him, and I was afraid that telling him that I wanted to maintain the status quo, and not get too serious, would crush him into wee tiny pieces.  But it didn’t.  We talked for a bit, and he did leave a little earlier than planned the next morning (he “needed to think”), but I don’t think our relationship has taken any beatings it can’t recover from.

  And I feel so much better – about myself, about him, about our relationship – freaking everything.  I feel like a muscle I didn’t know was tense has finally relaxed after months of being knotted and cramped.  I worry that the boy isn’t telling me everything, but well, he’s all grown up, and I’m pretty sure he can take care of himself.  I’m just glad I finally talked to him, for better or worse.

  later

  • 9:40 pm
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