Friday at the Blue Note?
The down feeling definitely wormed and slithered it's way into today. It's okay once I'm at work - I'm distracted, busy, have too many other things to think about than how lonely I am. But the car ride home leaves too much time for my mind to wander and obsess. And I am ever too good at that.
later
Thursday at the Blue Note
I'm feeling really down this evening. I was fine when I left work, if a little tired. But this night has just dragged me down. I'm missing companionship. I want to be with someone, I want to have someone here at night to talk to and just be with. I don't want to be alone any more. 
And I know there's someone I could have that sort of relationship with, but I'm terrified that it will completely ruin our friendship. What if he's not for me, and our relationship ends badly? I've been there once before, and the entire experience caused nothing but negativity and heartache. I don't want to do that again. But goddamn, I can't stop thinking about him. And I can't tell if it's because I really do have feelings for him, or if it's just lust. Goddamnit, why can't things be easy and clear? I just want to hook up with someone, get this out of my blood, and be able to make a decision one way or another. I hate uncertainty.
And hell, how do I even know he's actually interested in something serious? For all I know, it's just my own special delusion. But god dammit, I don't know how long I can take this. 
later
Part of the Gang
I went on my first motorcycle group ride yesterday. It was the Sheriff's Charity Ride held on the southside of Indianapolis. It was awesome. I joined up with them at the second stop of the day. I was at the Honda shop getting a safety inspection done on my bike, when a couple hundred motorcyclists crowded into the parking lot. I stuck up a conversation with a couple bikers, and they invited me to join in, so I did. 
I rode with them for about 4 hours, and it was great. It was a huge group - HUGE. One of the riders said that the Sheriff's department had 500 shirts to pass out to participants, and they ran out. Someone else estimated that there were about 1000 riders - I somewhat doubt that, but 600-700 wouldn't have been unbelievable. I will most definitely do it again. I took some pictures, but I haven't transferred them from my phone yet, and they may not be the greatest quality. I'll post them if they're any good.
later
I'm an idiot
Yes, I am. But I can guarantee that I'll never make the same mistake again. Nosiree. I rode my motorcycle in shorts. Got a burn on my calf that will leave a fairly large scar. I am a fucking moron. And I'll never do it again. So I suppose the experience wasn't completely wasted. I just wish I weren't a fucking moron. Luckily, I have great friends, one of whom has a great deal of experience in dealing with injuries. 
Combining his experience, and my wonderful Army basic and CLS training, I think we managed to treat it correctly. I cut away the dead skin that wasn't attached to live skin, we cleansed it with a sterile solution, put on some "Burn Stuff" (no, really, that's its name, and it fucking kicks ass), put some moist burn pads over that, covered the parts not covered with burn pads with sterile gauze, and taped it down. I'm going to keep an eye on it for infection, but it's feeling pretty well right now. Hopefully I'll be able to stop putting on the burn pads in a day or two, and just cover it with burn gel and gauze.
I'd just like to repeat, I am a fucking moron. And I have kick ass friends. It almost evens out.
later
I think I just had an orgasm
I took my bike out for it's maiden voyage (and mine). Oh my god, I love motorcycles. It was only a short ride, all of 5 minutes, from Pixie's house to mine, but it totally kicked ass. I can totally see the appeal of motorcycles now. Even just going the speed limit (35mph), it just felt awesome. I can totally see myself going and riding back roads, just 'cause I can. I love it!!!! I was nervous at first, but it's really not that hard. I just need to practice. And I finally figured out the gear-shift. I'm used to the pattern-type shift (H-pattern, V-pattern, etc.). It's not that way on a bike. It's just tap up for a higher gear, tap down for a lower gear - no pattern, more like a slap clutch. I'm still on a learner's permit, so I can't go on highways or ride at night, but I think I'm okay with that. I need to get a lot more comfortable before I'm willing to go faster. I was thinking about going out again today, but I'm sick, and I really need to recuperate and rest, so I'll save it for tomorrow.
I love motorcycles!!!
I also bought my brother an I-pod for his birthday, and loaded about 10GB of music on it. In the process, I have reaffirmed my hatred for I-pods and I-tunes, thankyouverymuch. At least fiddling with his let me realize this. I'd much rather go out and buy a Creative mp3 player, or even, *gasp* a microsoft zune. That's a lot coming from me, the hater of all things Microsoft.
My welcome home party went pretty well. My mom got me these kickass bookends. They're black marble with gray veins, in the shape of a monk-type figure reading an open book. It is totally me. I love them! I'll have to post a picture sometime.
later
Vroom Vroom
I went shopping for my motorcycle and gear yesterday. I found a used bike, a Honda Shadow Spirit, for less than $5000, with about 2000 miles on it. I really liked the customer service, too. I'm going to go check out a few more places today, but I think I've found the one. Going to go visit the License Bureau and get an appointment to take my permit test. It's just a written test and a fee, too easy.
Now, anyone want to teach me how to ride a motorcycle? 
later
Tattoo #1
'Cause who am I kidding? There will be more... 
This one was done by Dan at Artistic Skin Design in Indianapolis. I love it. There was a bit of a close call. He started doing the wrong color, but that was mostly because I didn't make myself clear, 'cause I was really freaking nervous. But all turned out well, as you can see:
Me and some buddies went out celebrating after. Okay, actually, it was just an excuse to eat greek. (Santorini's Greek Kitchen - it kicks ass).
The tattoo didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it was going to. The outlining was the worst, but even that wasn't any worse than getting the smallpox vaccination. The day after was kinda bad, but it's getting better every day. Now it just feels like a bad sunburn. It doesn't look like it's scabbing too badly, and I hope it keeps it up. I'll be annoyed if I have to go get it touched up. 
It's most definitely addictive. Already thinking about what I'm going to get next. Doh!!! I think it's most definitely got something to do with the adrenaline rush, because yes, there is most definitely an adrenaline rush attached to the experience. My words to Kris upon leaving the tattoo parlor, "Great, now I want to have sex." And the gods know that isn't happening. 
Speaking of which, I am still talking to Deven in Iraq. Gods, I miss him. How sad is that? Especially when I tried really, really hard to not get attached to him, knowing that I was going to leave and that would be the end of it. I guess that didn't work nearly as well as I was hoping...
later
A Vet Experience
People, professionals and laymen, talk about flashbacks as if the veteran was merely reminded of a situation. As if it was a mere memory that had come up unexpectedly. It's not. The real world around you is gone in an instant, and for seconds that seem like an eternity, you are back in Iraq, in a small, shoddily built building. Plaster is raining down on your head and the percussion from the rocket that just landed is still ringing in your ears. Your heart is beating fast, and your waiting for the next one that might kill you because the last one was way too damn close.
And then your back in this world, hands shaking, adrenaline rushing, every nerve on end. And you're confused, because weren't you just in the combat zone? On a conscious level you realize that it was just a burst of memory, you're safe, no matter what your body is telling you. But on the subconscious level, you're still waiting for the next shell to drop, and you're nervous because you're not under adequate cover, and you feel naked because you have no weapon or armor.
I honestly thought that when I returned, I would have no problems with flashbacks, post traumatic stress disorder, or any of the other myriad of things that plague combat veterans. After all, what combat did I see? Little to none. I was a fobbit, and all things considered, probably in one of the safest places in Iraq. Sure, I dealt with mortars and rockets, and their afteraffects. I heard the gunfire and saw the tracers, but the most I had to worry about was a stray or ricochet round. A very minor concern compared to what other Soldiers were going through...
However, I'm slowly coming around to the school of thought that even being over there opens you up to all those things. And it's a hard thought to get my mind around. I don't feel as if I should be having these problems. What kind of wuss does that make me, when Soldiers in much more dangerous situations come out of it without a problem. I suppose it's something I'm going to have to learn to accept, because I don't think I have a choice about it. I'm going to keep experiencing these things, and making myself depressed about it is not going to help in the least, and I refuse to feel that sorry for myself when I know I have so much going for me.
Oh, the wonders of war...
later
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