September 25, 2007
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Thursday at the Blue Note
I’m feeling really down this evening. I was fine when I left work, if a little tired. But this night has just dragged me down. I’m missing companionship. I want to be with someone, I want to have someone here at night to talk to and just be with. I don’t want to be alone any more.
And I know there’s someone I could have that sort of relationship with, but I’m terrified that it will completely ruin our friendship. What if he’s not for me, and our relationship ends badly? I’ve been there once before, and the entire experience caused nothing but negativity and heartache. I don’t want to do that again. But goddamn, I can’t stop thinking about him. And I can’t tell if it’s because I really do have feelings for him, or if it’s just lust. Goddamnit, why can’t things be easy and clear? I just want to hook up with someone, get this out of my blood, and be able to make a decision one way or another. I hate uncertainty.And hell, how do I even know he’s actually interested in something serious? For all I know, it’s just my own special delusion. But god dammit, I don’t know how long I can take this.
later
