January 3, 2008
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Bail faster
I am not doing so good. This holiday season was rough on me. Still is.
A friend of mine from college, Matt, passed away a few days before Christmas from cancer. He was all of 27 years old. I went to his funeral on 21Dec, and met up with a lot of my friends from the fencing club. They’d all flown or drove to Indy to say their goodbyes to Matt. I think we were only missing one of the old gang, and that was only because last minute plane tickets from California right before Christmas were up into the thousands. It .was great seeing everyone again, but we all felt like something was missing without Matt. I don’t know about the rest of the guys, but I kept half-expecting for Matt to walk through the door and laugh at us for being so silly. And reminding myself that he never would was one of the most depressing things I’ve gone through.
Matt was my first friend to die. All of my grandparents have passed away, but it all occurred before I was even a pre-teen. It didn’t effect me like Matt’s death has. You’d think that being in the Army and all would at least give me some immunity to this sort of loss, but it hasn’t turned out that way. I keep wondering who will be next…
Since then, my emotions have been all over the place. I’ve been getting really depressed at seemingly completely random times. And not all of it is connected to Matt’s death, though that has been the leaping point for some of my swings. A lot of times I’m just feeling like I’m completely alone, even though I know I have friends who love me, but knowing doesn’t really seem to help. I feel like I don’t have anyone who can hold me up – all my friends have their own problems and always look to me for strength. Or I feel like I’m never going to accomplish anything with my life, to the point that it seems pointless to even try.
I’ve started drinking a lot. I can only remember one day in the past two weeks when I haven’t had at least a glass of something. And the one day I didn’t, I was craving it so badly, the only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t have any alcohol in the house. Worried about alcoholism, but no one seems to take me seriously when I mention it, so maybe I’m worrying too much?
… I dunno…
later
