I just ordered a new pair of boots online.  That always makes me nervous.  Manufacturers are so horrible at making shoe sizes all the same actual size.  I ordered the same size I wear now, but it’s a different brand, so here’s hoping.  I’m getting the Altama Exospeed.  It’s supposed to be really lightweight and breathable, and has good arch support.  Here’s hoping it lives up to my expectations. And is a bit more durable than my last pair – they lasted about 6 months.   I’m taking them with me anyway, just because I’m paranoid about getting my decent pair of boots wet or something.  Need something to be able to change into, even if they are crappy.

Got my new, and incredibly cheap, mp3 player loaded and ready.  It doesn’t have a file system, which sucks, ’cause I’ll have to flip through a couple hundred songs to find the one I want, but I’ll deal.  It’s a 2GB Element (no clue who makes it – I think Sears).  It’s small, light, and I don’t give a damn if it gets damaged while deployed.  Perfect!

I’m worried I’m going to have to buy a new laptop while in Iraq.  Arg.  My PC is getting *uber* slow, my web browsers aren’t functioning correctly, and XP keeps telling me I don’t have administrator authority, despite the fact that I only have one log-on for the system.  Yeah, not a good sign.  Going to try a clean-up and defrag and see if that helps any.  *sigh*  Here’s hoping… On the bright side, if my PC dies, it’s just an excuse to get a Mac even earlier!

later

I’m making final preparations for my deployment and grad school.  Mailed my iPhone home today.  I feel at a loss without it.  How sad is that?  I’ve become so used to being able to access the internet, email, and a thousand other things in seconds that being without it seems like a hardship.  I can’t even remember how I used to survive without a cell phone.  Anyone remember those days? 

I finding it amazing how quickly we become dependent upon new technologies.  Not so long ago, having a computer was a huge deal. Now, *not* having a computer is a big deal.  I truly think that our technological leaps of innovation are going to rapidly outpace our society, if they haven’t done so already.  Even now, we’re moving away from the printed word – the USPS is going under, books are being epublished, newspapers are being read online.  How long will it be before a printed piece of paper will be considered archaic?  Or even wasteful? (“What are you doing, trying to kill a tree?”). What kind of massive changes is that going to mean for our society?  Lol, better yet, what are archeologists going to think thousands of years from now (assuming we haven’t caused the Earth to explode by then, erasing all evidence of our existence), when they can’t find any printed materials left, and all the hard drives have crashed and the electronic information decayed into nothingness (and as long as we keep using crappy OS like Windows Vista, that’s exactly what will happen).  Will they think we lost our ability to communicate via the written word?  Obtained a higher form of communication?  Became so sociopathic that human contact was anathema? 

I wish I could fast-forward into the future and find out.

Anyway, I got way off topic, but I guess it’s allowed.  It’s my blog dammit.   My actual intention was to let my friends know that I’ve turned off my phone, so calling me is no longer an option.  You can email me at any of my civilian or military accounts and I’ll get it.  Except hotmail – I don’t really check that account too often.

later

I’m really starting to miss the boy. It’s bad enough that I’m not going to see him again until mid-tour leave, but now I’m about to give up my cell phone and I won’t even be able to talk to him.  This sucks!  It’s making me really think hard about going active duty.  Can I go through this every other year?  I’m not too sure…

Oh yeah, have I mentioned I’m inheriting a ten year old daughter when I marry G?  Yeah, talk about freaking me out.  Anyone else having issues seeing me with a 10 year old?  That’s going to take some getting used to…

I’m taking an Army training course, Victim Advocate Training,  this week.  And it’s really kind of screwing with me.

A brief explanation – a Victim Advocate is someone who is trained to provide support to sexual assault victims – whether that was assault was actual rape, attempted rape, unwelcome attention or groping, etc.

I’m learning a lot of things I wish I didn’t have to learn.  And it’s bringing old, unpleasant, personal experiences back to the forefront of my mind.  I need to share some of the things I’m reading, as a form of personal therapy.  Warning: explicit sexual content follows.

Italicized text are excerpts from “The Phenomenology of Rape”, a study conducted by Leslie Lebowitz and Jodi Wigren.  Myths and Facts are taken from “Barriers to Credibility: Understanding and Countering Rape Myths” by Lynn Hecht Schafran.

Myth – Rape is a crime committed by men who are strangers to their victims.
Fact – The vast majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows (approximately 82-84%, depending on which study you look at).

  Her drill sergeant stood there.  He smashed the door into her face, she said, bloodying her nose.  Behind him stood four other men.  Dressed in fatigues, they pushed their way into the room. 
  The men took turns raping and sodomizing her, Hood said.  They beat her and kicked her, fracturing her ribs, right knee, nose, right cheekbone and spine.  They urinated on her, burned her with cigarettes, split her lip and spit on her, while threatening to kill her. (After reporting her drill sergeant for sexual assault, Herdy and Moffeit, 2004, p. 15)

Myth – Rape is caused by a “generic impulse” stimulated by the appearance, clothing or behavior of the woman.
Fact – Studies repeatedly show that rape is largely a planned and premeditated crime.  The victim is predominantly determined by availability, accessibility, and vulnerability.  Sexual desire, in and of itself, is not he primary or paramount issue operating in the assailant.

  I believed that if you’re careful enough it can’t happen to you…I used to think I could be invulnerable … because I am conservative, I do watch, I do, I am always with somebody, I don’t go into dark parking lots by myself and all that.  I thought that I could assure that it wouldn’t happen to me, and that has been disproven, just blatantly disproven, and at that point I felt like anything in the world can happen to anyone.  I just suddenly felt like everything is exposed.  I’m a target for anything.  “Elana”, (Lebowitz, 1990, p. 96-97)

Myth – A rapist is a subhuman-looking stranger, violent, mentally deranged, impulsive, with no access to consensual sex.
Fact – Rapists look like everyone else, come from all backgrounds, races and strata of society and are rarely violent in the sense of inflicting injuries apart from the rape itself.  The vast majority of rapists have full access to consensual sex and they are not mentally diseased.  Most rapists are NOT strangers.

I was just so unprepared for it … you can be in your own space and have someone come in and for the rest of the year there’s this spot on the floor … I had never thought about it.  I had never had a rape plan for what to do when someone [you trust] comes in and [just knocks you down] … no one had ever talked to me about things like rape, or that friends can rape you — that had never been discussed.  “Lisa” (Lebowitz, 1990, p. 338, 340)

Myth – A “true victim” is one who sustains serious, visible physical injuries such as knife wounds, broken bones, severe lacerations, heavy bruising or vaginal tears. 
Fact – Physical injuries apart from the rape itself are rare and sexual assault leaves no visible physical “evidence” different from consensual sexual activity.  70% of victims reported no physical injuries; 24% reported minor physical injuries; only 4% reported serious physical injuries.  Approximately 1% of rape victims have moderate to severe genital injuries.  Most females past the age of puberty will not have vaginal tears due to the ph makeup and elasticity of the sex organ.  Most tearing occurs in pre-pubescent girls.

In many respects I am a very lucky rape victim, if there can be such a thing. …I am lucky because everyone agrees that I was “really” raped.  When I tell my story, no one doubts my status as a victim.  no one suggests that I was “asking for it”.  No one wonders, at least out loud, if it was really my fault.  No one seems to identify with the rapist. …As one person put it: “You really didn’t do anything wrong.” (Estrich, 1987, p. 3)

Myth – A woman who was truly raped would immediately report to the police.
Fact – Only 16% of rapes were reported to police.  One quarter of that were reported withing 24 hours of the rape.  Among nonstranger victims (victims raped by someone they knew), 90% reported after one week or more.  Why? WHEN THE VICTIM IS NOT BELIEVED, IT IS THE RAPIST WHO IS PERCEIVED AS
THE INJURED PARTY AND VICTIMS ARE PUNISHED FOR THEIR DISCLOSURES.  Women fear retaliation, being disbelieved and blamed, and humiliated.

When she finally reported the assault (2 years later) … the battalion commander said she was making up the complaint to “ruin” the man’s career, she said.  She was immediately given a reprimand for being overweight, then accused of cheating during a physical fitness test. -Orlinda Marquez, sexually assaulted by a soldier under her command (Herdy and Moffeit, 2004, p. 42)

Myth – Most rape charges are false.
Fact – Certainly there are some false allegations.  But on a statistical basis they appear to be infrequent, even less frequent than false allegations in other types of cases.  Only 1.6% of all reported sexual assaults are false allegations.

She had contracted herpes, which she told the doctor was from her rape.  “[T]he doctor wrinkled his nose,” she recalled.  “I was so infected and swollen the speculum stuck and HE USED THE HEEL OF HIS HAND TO FORCE IT IN. (emphasis added) He brought in students, and he made them watch.  He told one of them to shut me up so THEY SHOVED SOMETHING IN MY MOUTH AND HELD ME DOWN ON THE TABLE.” (emphasis added) “Lori”, raped by a fellow sailor (Herdy and Moffeit, 2004, p. 54)

Myth – A woman who was truly being raped would offer utmost physical resistance.
Fact – Many rape victims offer no physical resistance whatsoever.  We’ve all heard of the “flight or fight” response.  What we are often not told about is the third option – freeze.  An animal freezes when all of it’s other options have been exercised.  It can’t fight, and it can’t flee.  It believes it’s about to die and there is no other choice.  Freezing is a last ditch effort to avoid detection.  “If I don’t move, it can’t see me, and I might live.”  A woman who does not physically try to get away, IS NOT CONSENTING.  She believes she is about to die, and her body is reacting accordingly.

[The rape] made me realize that I’m not so, you know, I’m not so strong, I guess, emotionally not so strong and not, you know, I’m not always so in control o myself is what I am trying to say.  I mean, that’s a situation where you don’t have any control at all. …Especially when you’ve pretty much been in control of everything all of your life…it’s a big slap in the face … and so I questioned a lot.  I [questioned] myself a lot.  You know, “are you really the person that you think you are, or like my low self-esteem I suppose…I just saw myself as being somehow dirty and degraded…no worth…If the rapist had no respect for me, has little enough respect for me to treat me like a piece of shit, then who was I to say that I’m not…And also, probably part of it has to do with the way that my friends handled it … to them its no big deal.  When you have friends you’d think they’d care.  And I just didn’t get that feeling.  It was like another slap in the face. “Betty”, (Lebowitz, 1990, p. 135-136)

<end citations>

In the population at large, 1 in every 6 women will be sexually assaulted.  In the military, that number is 1 in 4.  For men, it’s 1 in 17.  Only 18% of all sexual assaults are reported.  Of that 18%, only 17% are ever convicted, and only 9% receive any jail time.

Rape is never the fault of the victim.  They did nothing to deserve it.  It wasn’t their clothes.  It wasn’t their makeup.  It wasn’t their alcohol consumption.  It wasn’t because they attended that frat party.  Yes, bad decisions may have been made, but it wasn’t their fault and their bad decision does not condone the actions of the offender.  STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM!  The only person responsible for a rape is the PERPETRATOR. 

later

I’ve been feeling pretty sick lately, but I think I’m on the rebound.  And I think I found the worst possible combination of common illnesses – the flu and a migraine.  Let me tell you about the havoc it causes to medications, ’cause you pretty much can’t take imitrex with, well, anything, without having negative side effects.  Bummer.  I’m down to just an annoying cough and a mild headache.  Sadly enough, I’m happy about that!

We’re getting back to work on the house.  We’re finishing up the interior painting, and if I can ever get G to order the wood sealer, we’ll be applying that sometime this month.  (Editor’s note: Wood sealant bought!  Mostly because I opened up the online form, filled everything out, and G told me his credit card number.  Problem solved!)

I really need to make an appointment to get my hair trimmed.  I’d gotten it cut short about a month or so ago, and it’s starting to get a bit shaggy.  Ah, the joys of maintenance for short hair. :d

It hasn’t quite worked it’s way through my brain that I’m leaving soon.  It doesn’t feel real yet.  Mostly, I think, because I’m in denial.  I really don’t want to leave G.  I know our relationship can survive this deployment, but that doesn’t mean I want to be separated from him for more than a year.  I had a rough time leaving him for a month when I went to Georgia.  I don’t like thinking about how much a year is going to suck.  But this is the way it’s going to be if I go active duty, so I’d best get used to it, I suppose. 

There’s this urge in me to go with G to the Justice of the Peace and get eloped before I go.  I’m not quite sure why I’m feeling the urge.  Our wedding is planned for September 2011, about a year after I get back.  And I don’t doubt that it’ll happen.  But all the same, we’ve actually talked about just eloping, and G is all for it, but I know I won’t.  Mostly because I don’t understand why I’m feeling the way I do, and I’m afraid it would be a hasty decision I’d later regret.  Or maybe it’s because it would be an emotion-based decision, and I’m never comfortable with that type of reasoning, or lack thereof.  I haven’t decided if I should resist the urge or just cave.  Eh, maybe time will run out and I’ll be saved from making that call.

later

It’s been a rough day.  Everything that could go wrong, has.  Yeah, one of those days.  But thankfully, even though I was grumpy as all hell, Puppie got me to the gym.  He didn’t work out with me, but that’s probably for the better anyway.  I needed the endorphin rush to get me out of a deep funk and company probably would have just annoyed me.

I’m in a much better mood now.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be better, but I’m doubting it.  I’m working on a Saturday, yet again.  Let me count the joys… oh, yeah, 0.  I think I would be handling my stress much better if I actually got enough time off work to unwind and decompress.  Right now, I’m not getting that, at all. in any way, shape, or form.  It’s got to stop.  In the past two months, I’ve had one complete weekend off.  I’m averaging two days off every three weeks, and I’m sorry, but that’s not enough for me.  My life is not my job.  My job is merely something that allows me to live my life in the fashion I choose.  When I am no longer living the life I want because of my job, that’s a deep imbalance for me.  Thankfully, I’ll be leaving my job in 2 weeks, and hopefully, I can correct that imbalance.

later

Stole this from a friend.  *AND IT’S TRUE!*

1. Accept the fact that you will lose your sanity. This is a good
starting point. As long as you accept the fact from the beginning you
will not be the same or sane at the end you will be able to enjoy
yourself more. I just thought about random acts of violence, but I’m
not afraid because I knew that from the beginning I was going to be
insane.

2. Embrace the insanity. Just accept the insanity and go with it. You
have to put a leash on it though. Afternoon techno dance parties in the
PX are good. Burning tents down is probably bad. If you start
performing the latter of the two you need to seek mental health
attention. Thinking and even saying you are going to kill people is
O.K. It’s action that will get you put in the metal bracelets.

3. Make insane plans. Learn to play the dijiridoo, plan an Everest
expedition, search for the lost city of Atlantis, know everything about
Sasquatch or instrumental trans-communication. This will keep your just
occupied enough to not completely process the insanity and chaos that
is occurring around you.

4. Accept that at about month 8 or 9 you are not going to give a shit
about anything but drinking, getting laid, climbing Mount Everest. If
you are male chances are at about the 3/4 point of your extended
deployment part of your brain will be partitioned to think about
nothing but sex. This will happen naturally with a buildup of
testosterone. Most men on deployments compensate by working on nothing
but their biceps at the gym. The testosterone will be stored in the
biceps until your return home where it will be released through sex and
drinking of alcohol.  Your job won’t matter you will want to go to the gym all the time to work on your biceps. This is why.

5. No one will give a shit about giving you time off. This is especially
true of the old guys who have never been deployed or never done an
extended deployment. Take the time off. A little bit everyday and at
least one full day every week. Just don’t show up. What are they going
to do? Put you on an extended deployment. I haven’t done anything wrong
and I’ve already done two, so really there is no incentive for me to
show up everyday non stop for 15 months. Number 6 will help with this.

6. Let people know, loudly and publicly, you are insane. People like to
avoid confrontation. People especially like to avoid confrontation with
people who have professed publicly that 1) They are crazy, and/or 2)
They will kill everyone.

7. Try to meet every celebrity that may come to your camp or FOB and
get your picture taken with them. While this is a lofty goal I think it
may be able to be accomplished, but you must have patience and no
shame. Numbers 1, 2 and 6 will help you get to the front of many of
those photo lines. The big biceps will help also.

8. This one applies to non-combat operations only: Don’t work too hard
or too fast. No matter how hard you work there will always be more work
to do. They will make up work to keep you busy. By they, I mean them,
and you know who them are. The good-idea-fairies usually in the rank of
Major or above and have been processed with the full field-grade
lobotomy. Don’t worry there are so many layers of buracracy that
someone will get done what you had to do.

You will have to deal the stupid, illiterate, and ignorant. You will
have to deal with clueless military and civilian folk. You will become
angry and enraged. Just remember this will all end in due time. Just
focus that anger in the gym on those biceps.

later

I’m working six days a week with only a half hour lunch and the threat of extended hours. Why? No one seems to know. There’s a big push to get the project we’re working on done, but no one knows what the rush is. It’s nothing critical. It is a goal for the section, but nothing that should be causing this much grief. Naturally, the motivation in the office has gone down. No surprise there. We’re working long hours for a goal that has no purpose. And to add to it, every day we get a lecture about how we need to be more motivated and that the section has lost it’s sense of urgency. Well…of course. The assumption around here is that the big boys want us to finish up this project because a large chunk of us are going to be “let go” in May (our budget is being slashed, funding will no longer be available after September [we're being replaced with cheaper, civilian technicians - way to screw the Soldier Nat'l Guard!] – and they’ve made previous threats of stopping orders at the end of April). Okay, so, now you’ve got Soldiers working long hours towards a goal they don’t understand, thinking they’re going to be cut as soon as they finish the project. Well no shit they’re not motivated, they have no sense of urgency! Are you a moron? Give us somthing to actually be happy about, and maybe then we’ll work on motivation. Till then, f’ you.

Later

I’m having a rough weekend.  G hasn’t been home since… Thursday?  I can’t remember. I thought he was coming home today, and we would actually get to spend some time together, but no.  I was all excited, and then there was no phone call, no text, no him.  And I’ve pretty much been depressed ever since he told me he had to stay another night at camp.  He says all he has to do tomorrow is attend a 0600 meeting, but I know how that goes.  He’ll go to the meeting, someone will ask him to do something, he’ll do that, and that will lead into something else, then he’ll get talked into doing night driving training and I won’t seem him until Tuesday (that’s a literal statement, he has to work Monday night so he won’t be home).  I wouldn’t be so upset, except that I work the next three weekends, and I haven’t seen him on a weekend for two weeks now – pretty much since we moved.  I’m not happy.   I really hate sleeping alone.  Plus, we’ve only got two more months together, then I leave, and I absolutely hate anything that takes him away from me.  Dammit, it’s just not fair.

I know I should be working on the house, but I just can’t find the motivation to do it.  I just want to curl up on the couch and wait for G to come home.  Nothing worse than feeling pathetic.

later